The harder you push, the louder it knocks
Your dentist appointment is tomorrow afternoon. Nothing is wrong, exactly; you just don't love the chair. So at work you make a firm decision: I am not thinking about the dentist today. Within ten minutes you are thinking about the dentist. By lunch you are thinking about not thinking about the dentist, which turns out to be the same thing with extra steps.
If that sounds familiar, it is not a sign that your mind is unusually unruly. The University of Reading's Life Tools programme describes the same pattern plainly: the more we try to stop worry thoughts, the more they interrupt. Trying harder rarely fixes it, because trying harder is part of what keeps the thought around.
Why pushing a worry away tends to backfire
The Centre for Clinical Interventions' self-help workbook on worry describes two common responses when a what-if thought arrives. We either pull it closer, giving it lots of time and attention, or we push it away and try to get rid of it. Its point is that suppression does not work well: the pushed-away thought tends to come back with more force. Both responses lead to more worrying, which can make the whole thing feel uncontrollable.
One everyday way to picture it: to check that a thought has gone, you have to look for it. Each check is a small reminder. The thought also starts to seem important, simply because so much effort is going into keeping it out.
Pulling the thought close isn't much better. That includes reasoning with it on the spot: but the last check-up was fine, so it will probably be fine, unless. The CCI workbook notes that rationalising in the moment can feel helpful, but it gives the thought more time and attention, and can be a hidden way of trying to argue the worry out of existence.
Try parking it instead
The CCI workbook suggests a third option that is neither pushing nor pulling: postponing. You accept that the thought has turned up, and decide not to chase it any further right now. NHS Every Mind Matters describes a similar idea as worry time: a short, regular slot of around 10 to 15 minutes, with a simple phrase to use when a worry turns up outside it, such as I'll set that aside for my worry time.
Here is an everyday version of that, adapted from those sources. It is a self-help experiment, not a treatment plan, and you can adjust it to suit your day.
- Choose a set time and place to think about worries, such as 6pm at the kitchen table for 15 minutes. The CCI workbook suggests not making it right before bed.
- When the worry arrives, greet it rather than fight it: That's OK, I'll think about you at 6.
- Write it down in a couple of words, such as dentist tomorrow. A small notebook, a note on your phone or an app all work.
- Bring your attention back to what you were doing, whether that's an email, a walk or the washing-up.
When it comes back (it probably will)
Ten minutes later, the dentist pops up again. This is where most people decide the method has failed. It hasn't. The CCI workbook is clear that a postponed thought will probably return, perhaps many times, and that this is expected. You are not trying to control what pops into your head. You are changing what you do next.
So when it comes back, add a tick next to dentist tomorrow and park it again. The tone matters. A friendly see you at 6 works better than an irritated stop it, because getting cross with the thought is pushing it away under a new name.
At your set time, decide what the worry needs
When 6pm arrives, look at your list. You don't have to think about anything that no longer bothers you; you can simply cross it off. Some worries shrink noticeably between lunchtime and the evening.
If something still needs attention, give it the time you set aside and no more. If there is a practical step, write it down: check what time to leave, or put headphones in your bag for the waiting room. If it is a what-if you cannot act on, such as whether the appointment will be uncomfortable, you can acknowledge that you will find out tomorrow and leave it there, or park it again. Our guide to solvable versus hypothetical worries walks through that sorting step.
Then do something pleasant afterwards. The CCI workbook suggests following thinking time with an activity that lifts your mood, which also stops the session spilling into the rest of the evening.
When parking a worry is not the right move
Postponing is for worries that can genuinely wait. If something needs action today, such as a bill due this afternoon or a safety concern, deal with it now. Parking is not a way to avoid real deadlines.
If worries feel constant, hard to set down even with practice, or are affecting your sleep, work or relationships, it is worth talking to your GP or a qualified professional. A notebook or app can help you capture and return to worries; it is not a replacement for that kind of support.
Sources and further reading
- Centre for Clinical Interventions — What? Me Worry!?! Module 3: Negative Beliefs About Worrying – "Uncontrollable" (PDF; suppression versus postponement, how to postpone, common pitfalls)
- NHS Every Mind Matters — Tackling your worries (worry time and the worry tree)
- University of Reading Life Tools — How to manage worry thoughts, part 1